The past is a funny thing. It creeps up and smacks you hard.
A drawing from Revelations comes to mind. You hated it. I loved it. You drew it. Sometimes I wish I still had it in my possession. Alas I don’t think I have anything you created anymore. Perhaps I do, I can not be sure. Going through boxes of days since past is not something I really wish to do. Neil Young comes to mind as I am typing this, yes – that Neil Young.
I was listening to loads of Neil back then, alongside The Mad Capsule Markets (great band, shame they are not making music anymore), and life got to be the way it was. Sometimes I am asked about that time in my life and I do not remember much to be honest. That is not to say I do not remember everything. I remember some things. Usually small and stupid things. Walking through the sea of bees. The mess of paint of my wrist that ended up in one of the few pictures of me that I ever liked. Your sisters wedding, I was really losing it by then I’m guessing. Your formal (prom) where I refused to wear a tie – I still think about that and wonder how pissed off everyone was at me for that.
Then it ended. Not as it should have. In such an awful way. Now and again I think about that. About how I let you down. How you let me down. don’t think for a moment that I hold any bad feeling towards you. It is nothing like that, nor am I willing to accept the entire blame either. We were both young, stupid and in my case ill. Add all of that together and you do not have a good mix.
I guess what I am trying to figure out inside my head is if I owe it to you to sit down with you and talk about things. Perhaps these thoughts have nothing to do with making peace of our past with you but it is making peace of the past for me.
I don’t know.
I am going through a strange thing for the next book. I have always had a muse when I wrote. Not this time. I used to always have someone I could look at and i would be inspired. Or someone to bounce ideas and words off. This time I don’t. At least not in the traditional sense. I feel like these days I am taking a little bit from everyone around me. I am not used to it. But let us see where this takes us. What magical adventure we find ourselves on.
Always it comes back the same things
Words eternal crafting thoughts
Making up plans of hope
Full of promises longing for fullfillment
Asking questions of spirit and resolve
Ever waiting for the fall from life
Will you stand below with a net
Or above whispering like before
The whole notion of freedom has been on my mind for the last few days.
How free are we. Not as a group of people, or within our place in society. Not how free we are from whatever local government or agency – that is a whole different thing and I will not lay those views down on you there.
I mean individual freedom to as we please. I feel very trapped these days. Not only trapped but from time to time I find myself in a place where I do not want to be. Perhaps that is why I am thinking about the past. My constant daily circle of self imposed prison has caused me to think about the past. Where it went wrong then as some way to stop myself from making the same mistakes. Who knows.
Until next time